Why You're Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable People
You've noticed the pattern. The people you're drawn to—really drawn to, with that pull you can't quite explain—are the ones who don't fully show up. They're charming but hard to pin down. Warm one moment, distant the next. You keep thinking this time will be different. It never is.
At some point, you start wondering: What's wrong with me?
Here's the uncomfortable truth: the attraction isn't random. And it's not a flaw. It's your nervous system doing exactly what it learned to do.
Familiar doesn't mean good—it just means familiar
John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, described something called an internal working model. It's the template for relationships that forms in early childhood, based on how your caregivers responded to you. If they were consistent and attuned, you learned that closeness is safe. If they were unpredictable, distracted, or emotionally unavailable, you learned something different: that love requires work, that you have to earn it, and that distance is just part of the deal.
That template doesn't disappear when you grow up. It operates in the background, outside your awareness, shaping what feels like "chemistry."
When you meet someone emotionally available—consistent, clear, present—it might feel boring. Or too easy. Or like something must be wrong with them. Meanwhile, the person who runs hot and cold, who keeps you guessing, who makes you work for their attention? That feels right. Exciting. Worth pursuing.
That's not chemistry. That's recognition. Your nervous system is saying: I know this. This is love.
Repetition compulsion: trying to win an old game
Freud identified something he called repetition compulsion—the tendency to unconsciously recreate situations from the past, especially painful ones. It's not self-sabotage, exactly. It's an attempt at mastery. Some part of you believes that if you can just get this unavailable person to choose you, to finally show up, you'll heal the wound from the one who never did.
It doesn't work that way. The unavailable people you choose now aren't your parent. They can't give you what you needed then. And winning their attention—if you ever do—doesn't fill the original hole.
But the pull is real. And it makes sense. You're not crazy for feeling it.
The loop
Here's what the pattern usually looks like:
You meet someone who seems exciting, a little hard to read
You feel that spark—the one you've learned to call chemistry
They're inconsistent. You work harder to get their attention.
You get just enough to keep going—a good night, a moment of closeness
They pull back. You blame yourself, try harder, or finally leave.
You meet someone new. The cycle starts again.
The available person—the one who texts back, who shows up, who's clear about wanting you—doesn't trigger the same feeling. So you pass them by. Or you get bored. Or you find a reason it won't work.
What actually helps
Understanding the pattern is a start. But insight alone doesn't change it. You've probably already had the realization that you "go for unavailable people." That hasn't stopped you from doing it.
What changes the pattern is having a different relational experience—one that's safe, consistent, and attuned—and letting it in. That's hard when your nervous system is wired to distrust exactly that kind of connection.
This is what therapy is for. The therapeutic relationship can become a place where you experience something different: someone who shows up, who doesn't disappear, who stays present with you through difficult feelings. Over time, that experience starts to rewire the template. The familiar starts to shift.
You don't have to keep choosing people who can't choose you. But you probably can't think your way out of it alone.
Ready to explore this? I offer consultations for clients in New York, New Jersey, Texas, Pennsylvania, and Florida.